world-building is hard

I’m still trying to write draft 2 of my novel, and besides it feeling absolutely pointless in a world that’s collapsing, figuring out the plot for a fantasy novel is hard work. need to remember this when I put my pseudo-intellectual airs on and critique video games or TV shows. how many plot holes can be poked through my novel? you could probably fit a whole hand in there. I keep reminding myself not everything has to have a reason. do most readers care about the mechanics of made-up powers? do most readers wonder about why there’s modern technology in a magical realm? I try to think about what I prefer to read, how much I like explained to me, and it’s sort of a mix of, enough world-building to make it all make sense, but not so much that I understand every nook and cranny about the world.

there’s also the issue that I’ve known these characters since middle school. they’ve lived with me through the best and worst moments of my life. they’ve been immature alongside me, they’ve been proud, sad, angry. every time I rewrite this book, I pour another piece of myself into it, like I’m donating to some perverted fountain, hoping that I get something in return down the line. I wonder what I gave up this last time.

I keep wondering if I’ll ever get it right. if writers just put out what they think is best but never feel truly satisfied with it. I’ve never been good with being half-satisfied. emotionally, I live in the extremes.

do I just have to toss her out into the world and cross my fingers? I don’t have delusions about becoming famous from putting out this book. I think, more than anything, having it out there after so long…that should be enough, right?